“Cazza,” a friend asked me in all seriousness. “Would you like to be a man?”
Of course not. It was a ridiculous idea. I’ve had plenty of time to get used to being a woman, and I enjoy it. A lot.
Why would I want to be a bloke, with all the disadvantages like obtrusive pipework, higher car insurance, and the chore of daily face-scraping? A no-brainer.
But fast forward a few weeks, and I’ve seen The Danish Girl, I’ve done some thinking about gender, and I may have changed my mind. While I wouldn’t resort to surgery, it might be nice to have a magic wand and painlessly turn into a fella, just for a bit.
Here are just some of the things you can do when you’re a man, even in 2016:
1 You get acres of space on a tube train just by spreading your legs apart.
2 There’s no need to queue up for a pee.
3 You can take part in conversations about asbestos removal, carburettors, or the offside rule without someone saying it’s a bit technical for you.
4 Interrupting isn’t rude. It’s decisive. And you’re never bossy. It’s called ‘being a leader’.
5 You can rearrange your scrotum at leisure under the guise of thinking.
6 A fart machine can keep you entertained for hours.
7 There are no periods or hot flushes, and you can pile on weight without people asking when it’s due.
8 You can irritate the crap out of someone, then say, “You’re so gorgeous when you’re angry.”
9 If you clean the house or look after the children, your other half is deemed to be very lucky, and you’re hailed as a saint.
10 You’re a good sport, even when women make fun of you.