Confused when you see the doctor? It’s no great surprise. Medics are famed for their jargon. But, even when they remember to use simple English instead of medicalese, they come out with euphemisms and other phrases that conceal what they really have in mind.
I know, because I do it too. Now, with the benefit of years of experience, I can help you decode what your doctor really means.
What the doctor says |
What the doctor really means |
| I see you’ve brought a list. Splendid! | Now we’ll be here all day. |
| Any thoughts yourself as to what it might be? | OK, what did you find on Google? |
| As it happens, my colleague has a special interest in your problem. | I’m all out of ideas. |
| It’s a classic example of Tsutsugamushi Fever. | Never seen a case of it, but doesn’t it sound grand? |
| You’ve got a case of pendulum plumbi. | You’re swinging the lead. |
| I think I should examine those feet of yours. | Hope you’ve had a bath recently. |
| Or perhaps I’ll get Nurse to send toenail clippings to the lab. | Actually, I’m bloody sure you haven’t. |
| I’m not in the slightest bit worried, but I think you should go to A&E just to get it checked out. | I’m shitting myself. |
| This won’t hurt a bit. | It’ll hurt a lot. |
| Now just a little prick with a needle. | Now just a little prick with a needle. |
So, with the benefit of this little chart, you can make the most of your next appointment. If you can get one, that is.
Pills & Pillow-Talk 
Love it!!!! This has really got me laughing. Thank you!
My pleasure.
Ho ho! So necessary these days, when an appointment is worth far more than its weight in gold … (Do you maybe know how to decipher the pronouncements of Jeremy Hunt as well?)
Can’t help you with Jeremy Hunt, I’m afraid!
An amusing take! I always wondered what they really meant, haha.
Thank you. You might have a few more examples up your sleeve.
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Let me know what she says!