Here comes the bride in a meringue of a dress, adjusting the tiara and veil across her newly-coiffed head. She’s weighed down with hairspray and fake lashes, and stuffed to the gunnels with chicken fillets to shore up her assets.
By the time she trips down the aisle as daintily as is possible in white satin shoes that cut off the circulation to the toes, the bride may have spent hundreds of pounds on hair and makeup.
The dress code spreads to the bridesmaids. They too must spend the day in shiny creations that only stay up thanks to a furlong or so of boob tape. But it’s hair and make-up that really push the boat out. When it comes to wedding get-ups, the motto is clearly ‘Less is Less’.
It’s one thing to make the most of your looks. It’s quite another to blatantly fake it. I’m currently resisting pressure from friends to have hair extensions that will totally transform my appearance for my wedding.
Plus it’s summer (in Britain we know this because Wimbledon is on TV). This makes a tan essential. I absolutely have to turn the rich shade of mahogany that can only be achieved by repeated sprayings in something like creosote. Another pal adds that I have just enough time to book myself a boob job before the big day. Do I want the name of a brilliant surgeon she knows?
The hell I do.
I would quite like my intended to recognise me on the big day, not think he has walked into the wrong registry office. A wedding day is special, so I’ll forego my favourite Gap jeans and the flip-flops that turn me into Kurt Cobain’s twin sister. All the same, I plan to look and behave like myself, not a fashion victim who’s deployed every single idea out of Brides Incorporated.
Wouldn’t it be a nice idea to save the money or give it to a worthy cause, and spend the best day of your life looking vaguely like the person your other half wanted to marry?