Do you know who you’re marrying?

spray tan cropHere comes the bride in a meringue of a dress, adjusting the tiara and veil across her newly-coiffed head.  She’s weighed down with hairspray and fake lashes, and stuffed to the gunnels with chicken fillets to shore up her assets.

By the time she trips down the aisle as daintily as is possible in white satin shoes that cut off the circulation to the toes, the bride may have spent hundreds of pounds on hair and makeup.

The dress code spreads to the bridesmaids.  They too must spend the day in shiny creations that only stay up thanks to a furlong or so of boob tape.  But it’s hair and make-up that really push the boat out. When it comes to wedding get-ups, the motto is clearly ‘Less is Less’.


It’s one thing to make the most of your looks.  It’s quite another to blatantly fake it.  I’m currently resisting pressure from friends to have hair extensions that will totally transform my appearance for my wedding.

Plus it’s summer (in Britain we know this because Wimbledon is on TV).  This makes a tan essential.  I absolutely have to turn the rich shade of mahogany that can only be achieved by repeated sprayings in something like creosote.  Another pal adds that I have just enough time to book myself a boob job before the big day.  Do I want the name of a brilliant surgeon she knows?

The hell I do.

873880_wedding_days_3I would quite like my intended to recognise me on the big day, not think he has walked into the wrong registry office.  A wedding day is special, so I’ll forego my favourite Gap jeans and the flip-flops that turn me into Kurt Cobain’s twin sister.  All the same, I plan to look and behave like myself, not a fashion victim who’s deployed every single idea out of Brides Incorporated.

Wouldn’t it be a nice idea to save the money or give it to a worthy cause, and spend the best day of your life looking vaguely like the person your other half wanted to marry?

10 thoughts on “Do you know who you’re marrying?

  1. I totally agree. When I married in 2009 I didn’t have time to buy an outfit so just wore a very old little black dress I give talks in!

  2. I agree totally Carol – I resisted all pressure to have a fake tan, I did my own makeup and walked myself down the aisle. I even made lunch for the ladies before getting ready but messed up my hair with the steam from the saucepan. That last one should be avoided at all costs though. Frizzy hair still isn’t a good look

    • I’m with you on the frizzy look, Kate. Just had a bit more Brazilian keratin treatment but I’m still not sure my hair would stand up to a steamy kitchen.

  3. Well said. I made my own dress, washed and dried my own hair and certainly did my own makeup. Ok, so it was 1974, but weddings seem to have become commercial exercises.

    • Thanks, Jenny. Glad you’re with me on this. In the 70s I made my wedding outfit from curtain fabric. What a decade….

  4. Cazza -no fake tan. On some ladies they run irretrievably, leaving you looking as though a very Large dog with cystitis has peed down your leg. As for boobs- I know a friend who has a well-endowed apron ………… Next: hair extensions ………..we have an 88 year-old Argentine great aunt who has many husbands (and several of her own, yarf, yarf, and she says they are only any good if you are not in a relationship. She wasn’t in one at the time but was hoping to be shortly so she took them out “so he can run his fingers through it, querida.” She was 84 at the time ….l.

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