It’s wonderful being an author. While there’s rarely much money in it, you get to do what you love. It’s probably the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
There’s also the sheer joy of opening a box full of copies of your shiny brand-new book. That, as novelist Helena Halme points out, never gets any less exciting.
And it’s a thrill meeting readers and getting feedback, especially when you find out your words have made a real difference.
But there are people who say the most inane things to authors. So, with the help of one or two fellow writers, I’ve compiled a roundup of things that really grate:
1 “Are you published? Will I have heard of you?”
Well, yes, the author generally is published. Otherwise they’d probably not call themselves an author. As for hearing of that person, it depends. I know several people who never heard of Kahlil Gibran, yet his book The Prophet sold tens of millions of copies.
2 “Why don’t you get your book made into a film?”
If it were that easy, I think we’d all be knocking on Hollywood’s door. It’s not, which is why, until we get the call, we’re selling our books at around £7.99 a pop (or less; usually much less for the ebook). Not quite a direct route to the Walk of Fame.
3 “I do a bit of writing myself.”
I mustn’t scoff, because occasionally someone like David Lodge says this. More often, though, the follow-up is “I wrote a letter to my local paper once” or “I’ve written a 100,000 word novel from the point of view of a slug. Could you read it for me and help me get it published?”
4 “I’d write a book too if I had the time.”
The implication is that their life is far busier than the author’s, and that no talent is required.
5 “When I retire, I’m going to write a novel.”
Usually uttered by someone who’s never even written a shopping list. See 4.
6 “As you’re at home all day, could you just babysit/pick up a parcel for me/come out shopping with me?”
Because writing books is some romantic thing that just happens when you click your heels and make a wish. It’s not like it’s a proper job, right?
7 “Where’s my free signed copy?”
Because, obviously, authors are happy to work for free.
Many thanks to my fellow writers, especially Vivien Hampshire and Georgina Penney, both from the Romantic Novelists’ Association. If you ever meet one of us, you know what not to say.